I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
