thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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