sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
