we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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