On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
