I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
