It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
