Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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