Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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