how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
