why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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