you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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