I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
