I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
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At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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