Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
