ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
