I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
wanna go halves on a baby?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
