Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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