Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
