you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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