Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
