i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
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He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
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Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing