Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
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when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
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I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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