god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
