i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
