I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
