I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
