I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
