Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
