I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
