smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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