Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
