Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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