yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
