I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
