Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
how drunk are you?
Several
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
