I don't usually arrange sex via text message
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
