My liver just broke up with me...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
