She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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