I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.