I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.