I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.