Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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