he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
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After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
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