everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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