Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
