Well apparently he's into motor boating.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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