I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
