Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
