I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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