i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
