How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Non-Jews are for practice
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
