A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
