when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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