did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
