I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
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Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
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how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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