so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
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The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
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It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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