Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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