Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
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Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
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when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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