Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
