and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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