I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
