you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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