just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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