just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
