im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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