there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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