I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
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laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
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As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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