So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
