I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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