: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
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