she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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