I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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